Our Adoption Story

Many of you have asked to hear Melanie and my whole adoption saga, so I’ll start from the beginning. My adoptive parents, Nancy and Dennis Moller, moved to Taipei, Taiwan in 1972 with our older brother, Matt, who was just a year old. Shortly after arriving for their teaching assignments at a Christian school, my mom started looking for a baby to adopt. They raised support as short term missionaries and were affiliated with TEAM – The Evangelical Alliance Mission. Adopting was something that she was interested in doing even before they had Matt, but my dad insisted on refining the art of parenting on a biological child first. While at a church meeting, a couple of new friends heard their prayer request. The man was a doctor and the head of a hospital in Taipei. The very next day, in a conversation with a fellow doctor who had flown in from Puli Christian Hospital, he learned about twin girls who needed a home. On the way to Puli (beautiful mountainous area in the middle of Taiwan, now a huge tourist destination) by train, my dad kept saying “I only want one”. When they arrived, the Norwegian nurse, who was a twin herself, didn’t want us to be split up. She cleverly put one of us in my mom’s arms and the other in my dad’s arms. My dad looked at the baby in his arms (in my mind, that baby was me) and said, “Let’s take them both.” In reality, he was probably holding Melanie, because I was smaller, sickly and covered in a rash. My mother was ready to take us home then and there, but our paperwork was not in order. It took another 8 weeks to get all the correct signatures and official stamps, but we came home in time for Christmas. At the signing of the documents, after our birth father had been located, my adoptive parents met my birth parents. I didn’t know this fact until I was in 5th grade and my dad said, “Okay, this is as tall as you’re going to get, because this is how tall your birth parents are!” Where was the photo documenting this monumental moment, you ask? It never occurred to my parents to take a picture until I asked the question! Another interesting fact is that they weren’t even supposed to adopt according to TEAM’s guidelines. But ever the renegade, my mother acted like she wasn’t aware of the rules and invited all of TEAM’s leaders over for a visit after we came home. It didn’t take long before everyone was willing to look away about that particular rule. A year and a half later, they had my sister, Mia, and we moved to the US shortly after. We lived in West Lafayette, Indiana while my mom worked on her three masters and a PhD at Purdue. My dad was the guidance counselor at a local junior high and the light of our world. My youngest brother, Mark, was adopted at 5 months old keeping that same close spacing in age. He was so cute and fat with his curly brown hair and green eyes that we wanted to “squeeze him ‘til he popped.” With a career mother and a nurturing father and the wide range in skin color, we were anything but normal in the 1970s. When we were on vacation (which is something my parents did really well), people would often ask what organization we were. We’d just look at each and shrug, “we’re a family”! For most of my childhood, my dad’s sister, Bonnie, lived and taught in Taiwan, following in her big brother’s footsteps. As a career missionary, she is now finishing up her tenure in Macau, but because of her, we always felt a connection to Taiwan. Our standard mealtime prayer went like this: Dear God, thank you for this food and for the nice day and be with Aunt Bonnie in Taiwan, Amen. Even with this connection, it never occurred to us to try to find our birth family.
My second chance at looking for them was in the summer of 1991 when Melanie and I went to Taiwan as a graduation present from high school from my mom. The Overseas Compatriot Youth Formosa Study Tour is for college age kids of Taiwanese decent living abroad. It was 5 weeks of intense language and one week of traveling around the island. When Addison graduates from high school, please remind me that 18 is too young to be left to one’s own devices in a foreign country. The tour took me to Sun Moon Lake, close to my birthplace. As I stood atop a tall pagoda, looking at the beautiful landscape, I thought of them and knew they were probably within my line of sight. I didn’t have the money, language skills or time away from the tour to make any movement towards finding them. In hindsight, I just don’t think any of us (on the American side of the ocean) where ready for it.
Now at this point in the story, I have a lot of conflicting information. Most is not relevant, but it goes to show that memories are fuzzy and fickle. My mother recently gave me an article that she wrote in the 1980s about our adoption. I have vague memories of reading it years ago, but a lot of it seemed like brand new information. The story I’ve always told people is that my parents first saw us at two weeks and were adopted at two months, not six weeks and three months, respectively. Last week, my mom told me that the only money they paid was $20 US for a taxi to pick up my birth father to sign documents and take him home. In my birth mother’s cassette, she says she couldn’t take us home because they couldn’t pay the hospital fees. She was under the impression that my American parents paid them. Did my parent’s adopt and dash? My birth mother never mentions the fact that we were girls as a reason to abandon us, only lack of money and ability. As it was a Christian hospital, whose mission was to reach out to Taiwanese people, I can’t imagine that they wouldn’t allow a mother to take her children home for lack of money. Is this the least shameful reason she can give us?
I think my first unconscious effort to find my birth family was in college. One of the reasons I chose Manchester College, besides the excellent financial aid package, was their exchange program with a school in China. They also were able to offer Chinese language courses through Ohio State and a Chinese tutor on campus. Even though I graduated with a Bachelors of Arts with Chinese as my language requirement, my Chinese was lacking. Five months was not enough time to solidify the complicated language in my sized brain. Marrying Mark, and then making the decision to raise our children bilingually, has also played a factor. When we knew that we wanted to come to China, I approached my sister about finding our birth family. She was less than enthusiastic about it. There are always concerns when an adopted child finds his or her birth family. If you find them, you risk feeling rejected a second time. On top of that, what if the birth family comes with a host of financial or emotional burdens? It is a risk, but I was willing to take it, even if Melanie was not supportive. When we hosted a Chinese teacher for the 2005-2006 school year, I had He Yuejun look at our birth documents. They are written in the old characters, but she was able to read them. It was the first time I realized that I had my birth parents names and their address this whole time! As we started to plan our move to China, I developed a plan of action. I would wait until we lived in China to begin the search. Perhaps someone would know someone who could help us. This is the Chinese concept of 关系 (guanxi) or connections. After we had settled in Dalian, I started to think about the steps we needed to take in order to find them within our 18 month commitment in China. I had a sinking feeling when I tried to think where I had put the documents. I had no memory of packing them. We went through all of our papers here, only to come to the conclusion that we’d left them in storage in Portland. I frantically called Melanie and my mom to see if they had copies. I was crushed when they looked and couldn’t find any helpful details. My only hope was that He Yuejun remembered the names from looking at the documents three years earlier. When we were in her hometown in July 2009, it felt as if fate had closed the door on my search. In August, Mark went to Portland on business and remarkably found the documents! They hadn’t been put into a storage locker like we dreaded, but rather were with other important documents in some friends’ garage. The very next week after he came back from the US, he went on what would be his only business trip to Taiwan. He shared Melanie and my story and documents with the Taiwanese co-worker, Joseph Hung, who was traveling around Taiwan with him. Not only was Mr. Hung interested in helping, but was actually excited about it. His father was buried near my birthplace, making it a place that he is very familiar with, visiting at least four times a year. On February 18, 2010, just four days after Spring Festival, the most important reunion holiday in Chinese cultural, Mr. Hung met with my birth mother and oldest birth sister. He had already done some preliminary investigating on the financial conditions before he told the family of his connection to us. I think he went through public records to discover my birth father had died and my birth mother collected a farmer’s pension from the Taiwanese government. There were no financial requirements needed in my mind to determine whether to contact them or not, though it was important for Mr. Hung to check out this information. Last week, I received a package containing two pictures and a cassette tape, which has been translated (and dissected). After hearing the contents, Melanie told me thank you for giving her something that she didn’t even know she wanted. We are planning to go to Taiwan either in May or June (or maybe even March), as soon as we work out the details. Melanie and her husband would like to join our family (Mark, kids and me) for this trip. It would be so great if her whole family could be with us, but Melanie and her boys have already made plans to visit us in China at the end of this month. There is a slight chance that Melanie and I could slip away for the weekend, but that would leave Mark alone with eight kids. If any male can handle it, I think it’s Mark. I’m thrilled that my adoptive mom is eager to share in this reunion and that she has the time and the means to make the trip. The rest is history in the making, and I’ll be sure to document it with stories and pictures.

The Translation of the Transcript of the Cassette Tape that was Converted into a CD

Whew! Did you get that?
Background:
A cassette tape came in a package from Mark’s co-worker, along with two pictures. One was the picture of Melanie and me that our adoptive mom sent to the hospital where we were born. It was given to my birth mother when she went to the hospital to find information about us. The second photo was a picture of my birth mother and three sisters taken in December 1983. In my opinion, no other proof of relationship was needed besides this picture. My oldest birth sister looks almost exactly like me. I think she looks more like me that my twin sister! I had to laugh, though, because each of the sisters had a hairstyle that I (sadly) also sported at one point or another in my childhood. I was also surprised that they looked rather modern. My perception of my birth family (given to me by my adoptive family) was that they were extremely poor. I always imagined they lived in a hut with no running water or electricity. My second birth sister has earrings, sunglasses and long nails painted red! Because we don’t have a working cassette player, I had the tape converted into a CD. The woman who runs the small bookstore where I had the tape copied was funny. I told her that the tape was very precious, like gold, and asked her to be careful with it. I knew that she would have to listen to the tape in order to make the copy, so I filled her in on a little of my background. When she learned that the tape contained my birth mother’s voice, she told me not to worry and that she’d take good care if it. Her friend, who was in the store chatting with her when I came in, piped in and said this was “a big deal”, and comforted me by saying the shopkeeper was very good at her job. I went back the next day to pick it up, and the shopkeeper tried to keep a professional manner. I asked if she listened to it, and she said “just a little”. I expressed my concerns about not being able to understand my birth mother’s dialect, and she proceeded to tell me the contents of the tape, adding each detail with more enthusiasm. When I listened the first time, I got the big picture, even though her accent is harsh and unfamiliar. We’ve listened to it over and over and played it for various friends who’ve been to our house to glean every ounce of information we can find. Each person who listens to it, has added another surprising detail, or helped us to understand the meaning within the words. It was spoken in letter form, so I sometimes refer to it as “the letter” or CD.


Part 1: Hello everyone. I am Zhang Xiumei (Elegant Beauty), the twins’ mother. In the 99th year of the Republic of China1, February 16, Mr. Hung2 called to tell me that you are looking for me. I am very happy…so happy. First, I want to ask, how are your American parents doing? At this time, I want to tell you why you were abandoned. It was not on purpose and very difficult for me. I delivered you naturally and was very tired. I had no money for a C-section, but I needed one. I almost died. I had no ability to take care of you. These Americans came to adopt you. I didn’t know that they would take you so far away3 because they lived in Taiwan at the time. They took you to the United States. I went to the place where you lived in Taipei to look for you, but you had moved. I didn’t know how to find you. I also went to the hospital where you were born, but the hospital administrator wouldn’t4 tell me where you were. I asked many times, but he wouldn’t tell me. After awhile, he gave me this picture5. Now, I give you this picture6. At that time, we were too poor. The hospital bill was paid by your American parents. At that time, the hospital bill was not small. We didn’t have any money to pay for it. At that time, we didn’t have any insurance. Also, the two twins stayed in the hospital and were cared for by the staff, so it was expensive. This was all paid by your American parents. We had no ability to pay for the hospital bill. Also, my health was not good after giving birth to you, so I had no ability to care for you, so everything fell to your father Lin Yongbiao (Brave Standard), who wouldn’t take responsibility. I don’t want to talk of this person. This is why we had to let you go. I don’t want to talk of that person, he’s not on this earth; he has passed away. Don’t talk of him. That’s all for now. Bye-Bye.
Part 2: Mr. Hung called to tell me that you plan to come. I am so, so happy. Mr. Hung has told me a little bit of your information. I am very thankful that the American son-in-law7 had the heart to find me. I am very thankful. I want to freely speak. Finding you has been from the heart. I don’t want any benefit or advantage. I just want to see you, look at you, no other purpose. No matter how many relatives come, they are all welcome. I want to pay for your plane tickets. When you want to come, call me. My phone number is 0492910177. My cell phone number is 0919805916. You are welcome to call me. Thank you all. That’s all for now.
1 The 99th year of the Republic of China is 2010.
2 Joseph Hung is Mark’s co-worker in Taiwan who graciously volunteered to find our birth family.
3 To the United States.
4 It is unclear whether the administrator was unable or unwilling to share information with her.
5 A picture of Melanie and me.
6 I think she sent the picture as proof that she is our birth mother, but after seeing my oldest birth sister’s picture, no other proof is needed.
7 That’d be Mark Neher, my sweet husband.
8 I think she said this because it was Mark who shared our adoption story with his co-worker and is thankful that he is supportive.

Reactions to my Birth Mother's Letter

1.) My main reason for finding my birth family was to simply and humbly tell them “thank you” for the opportunities I’ve had in my life. I’ve vacillated between thinking there were selfish and selfless motivations for abandoning us. I was told that my birth father cursed my birth mother for giving him twin daughters instead of a son, especially since he already had three daughters. My adoptive parents called us a double happiness (囍), which is actually the traditional symbol of marriage in Chinese. Part of me also hoped that maybe they knew that these “rich” Americans could offer us a better life, a life where our bellies would always be full and opportunities for education would not be a privilege, but a requirement. It wasn’t until I was in Taiwan on a language and cultural study tour (aka The Love Boat) at the age of eighteen that I ever thought of my birth family as selfless. I had never spent much time in the company of other Asians as a child, besides Mel, except for the 2 year stint in Houston in middle school. I was too busy assimilating. I was telling a friend about being adopted with the “cursed for being a girl” story, and he told me that family is the most important thing to Chinese, and that it must have been the hardest thing our birth mother had ever done. It had honestly never occurred to me before. Even knowing now that my birth mother felt she had no other choice, I am grateful that they did offer us up for adoption.
2.) I can’t believe that I will be able to communicate with my birth mother in Chinese. When we first moved here, I had three motivating reasons for learning Chinese: to set a good example for my children, to be able to communicate with Carolyn’s* daughter in the southern city of Zunyi, China, and to be able to communicate with my birth family IF the opportunity should arise. I didn’t know what ethnic group my birth family belonged to, so I didn’t know if learning Mandarin was in vain. There are aboriginal Taiwanese on the island, plus immigrants from mainland China and all over Southeast Asia. We knew they were farmers, which lead me to believe that they likely spoke Taiwanese. Rural people would be less likely to speak a standard dialect. For example, when we were in Zunyi, it was difficult to communicate with anyone but Carolyn, her immediate family and the younger generation. All extended family spoke a local dialect to each other. They could understand Mandarin, because all radio and TV broadcasts are Mandarin, but they couldn’t speak it.
3.) I love my birth mother’s voice. She has a soft spoken manner that made me want to know her better. There is a story in her voice, and I want to hear it. She was very humble, but not apologetic. I don’t think there is anything to apologize for, but I was surprised that she didn’t speak directly of regret. She simply spoke about a painful time. The Chinese expression for hardship is “eating bitter”. I believe that is what she was trying to express. When I asked Melanie if she wanted to hear it, her first reaction was “no, it will sound like yelling to me”. I played the CD for her, and without even understanding the words, she could hear the gentle sing-song quality of her voice.
4.) The fact that she sent a tape rather than a letter is interesting. My first instinct is to say that she might be illiterate. Our birth sisters would have been able to pen a letter, though. The second thought was that she knew we’d have an easier time listening to the Chinese rather than trying to read the tradition Chinese characters that are used in Taiwan versus the simplified characters of mainland China which Mark and I have studied.
5.) I loved sharing the CD with my husband and my kids. The day it was ready, Mark came home for lunch especially to hear the CD. Not only has he been supportive of my journey, but has played a major role in finding them. When Coleman heard the CD, he kept saying, “I have no clue what she’s saying”. All the girls really understood and contributed to translating. I watched their faces specifically for their reaction to my birth mother offering to pay for our plane tickets, no matter how many relatives came. The girls were as surprised and touched as I was.
6.) Our birth mother looked for us. Everything else disappears when I think that our birth mother looked for us. We were not the product of a dirty little secret nor were we the forgotten throw away babies. Our picture sat on top of their TV. This has shaken the very core of Mel and my beliefs about our birth family.
7.) Even though our birth mother looked for us, I’m glad that we weren’t found as children. It would have conflicted my childhood to know that a birth family missed me. It’s not clear if she just wanted to know that we were okay or if she was hoping to take us home. I also think that I wouldn’t have been ready to find them before this. The order of events has God’s signature written all over it. Being a mother and having a mother’s capacity for love has really been the best preparation for this moment.
8.) I thank God for the life I have and could not imagine it any other way with any other family. I love my family so much.
9.) Melanie and I both have always had a difficulty with pronouns, mixing up “he, she, him, and her”. Once I learned that Chinese doesn’t differentiate between genders in the spoken language (only written), I attributed it to genetics. We have both noticed that we sometimes aren’t sure how to address the birth family. I have a tendency to say my, I mean our birth family, while Melanie refers to them as “the” or your birth family. I don’t mean to exclude Melanie in my language, but I think I have mentally prepared for this for such a long time and it has been a solitary journey. When I speak of them to people who don’t know Melanie (or even that there is a Melanie), I say my. Melanie’s pronoun issue most likely has been her defense mechanism. She hasn’t meant it to be disrespectful, but never felt a connection to them.
10.) Melanie's reaction to our birth family all hinged on the cassette. She needed to know our birth mother’s heart before she opened up hers. I don’t blame her, though. Here she is as neither the person looking for nor the person being found by her birth family. That is a unique and awkward position. However, it’s been rewarding to watch Melanie’s heart for our birth family change. When I first told her I wanted to find our birth family about ten years ago, she was opposed to the idea. She went as far as saying things like, “Marcie, you need to consider how this will affect me!”, and “Are you going to be able to walk away from them if they are needy?” Two days ago, she thanked me. She surprised even herself when she realized this is something she wants, too. We are definitely an “our”, now.
11.) I can’t help but stare at these pictures. Did my birth mother stare at the picture of Melanie and me, like I stare at the picture of them, looking for clues? Did she notice that we have their hands? Did she approve of our healthy hair and coloring? Did she notice the big wad of chewing gum in Melanie’s mouth? I went as far as using googlemaps to confirm that this picture was taken outside our old house in West Lafayette. When I look at their picture, I see a tight-knit group. They look healthy and well-fed. I wonder where my birth father was at the time of the picture. Had he already died, was he working in the fields, or was he not part of the family anymore? Melanie and I were two blind mice before laser surgery. I always imagined that our birth family would need coke bottles, too. Where are their glasses? I look at my oldest sister and see myself in her eyes, smile and hands. My birth mother looks sad. Was this her natural picture face or was it reflecting a lifetime of sadness?
12.) Never in a million years could I accept plane tickets from my birth family, but that it was probably the most powerful part of her letter. For me, it reflects a genuine and strong desire to see us. She speaks of finding us in a way that can only be mutual. I asked the kids’ tutors if they thought it was a gesture or symbol rather than a real offer, but they thought that our birth mother is serious. It’s unclear whether they have the means to pay for plane tickets, if they’d be calling in a lifetime of favors or if they’d go into debt to pay for it. What matters is that they offered. This is the greatest gift I could never accept that has been offered to me in my life.
13.) I am so excited and proud to introduce family to my birth family. It’s remarkable to me that my husband and children will be able to communicate with my birth mother, sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins or whoever else we may meet. We will also be able to act as interpreters for Melanie and her family.
14.) My adoptive mom has been so supportive in this whole process. She booked her frequent flyer ticket as soon as we told her our tentative plans. I had to tell her to hold off, since we still aren’t sure which dates will work the best for our schedules yet. I am happy that she will be there for the reunion. I have now lived more years without my adoptive dad than with him, but I still miss him so much, and am sad that he won't be a part of this, too. I have never felt any connection to my birth father. I’m not sure if I will have the chance to meet any of his relatives while we are in Taiwan, but it would be nice to hear stories of him that don’t put him in a bad light.
* Carolyn was the visiting Chinese teacher that lived with our family during the 2005-1006 school year. She left behind a daughter who is about Saylor’s age. We spent time with them in their hometown of Zunyi in the summer of 2009.