Reactions to my Birth Mother's Letter

1.) My main reason for finding my birth family was to simply and humbly tell them “thank you” for the opportunities I’ve had in my life. I’ve vacillated between thinking there were selfish and selfless motivations for abandoning us. I was told that my birth father cursed my birth mother for giving him twin daughters instead of a son, especially since he already had three daughters. My adoptive parents called us a double happiness (囍), which is actually the traditional symbol of marriage in Chinese. Part of me also hoped that maybe they knew that these “rich” Americans could offer us a better life, a life where our bellies would always be full and opportunities for education would not be a privilege, but a requirement. It wasn’t until I was in Taiwan on a language and cultural study tour (aka The Love Boat) at the age of eighteen that I ever thought of my birth family as selfless. I had never spent much time in the company of other Asians as a child, besides Mel, except for the 2 year stint in Houston in middle school. I was too busy assimilating. I was telling a friend about being adopted with the “cursed for being a girl” story, and he told me that family is the most important thing to Chinese, and that it must have been the hardest thing our birth mother had ever done. It had honestly never occurred to me before. Even knowing now that my birth mother felt she had no other choice, I am grateful that they did offer us up for adoption.
2.) I can’t believe that I will be able to communicate with my birth mother in Chinese. When we first moved here, I had three motivating reasons for learning Chinese: to set a good example for my children, to be able to communicate with Carolyn’s* daughter in the southern city of Zunyi, China, and to be able to communicate with my birth family IF the opportunity should arise. I didn’t know what ethnic group my birth family belonged to, so I didn’t know if learning Mandarin was in vain. There are aboriginal Taiwanese on the island, plus immigrants from mainland China and all over Southeast Asia. We knew they were farmers, which lead me to believe that they likely spoke Taiwanese. Rural people would be less likely to speak a standard dialect. For example, when we were in Zunyi, it was difficult to communicate with anyone but Carolyn, her immediate family and the younger generation. All extended family spoke a local dialect to each other. They could understand Mandarin, because all radio and TV broadcasts are Mandarin, but they couldn’t speak it.
3.) I love my birth mother’s voice. She has a soft spoken manner that made me want to know her better. There is a story in her voice, and I want to hear it. She was very humble, but not apologetic. I don’t think there is anything to apologize for, but I was surprised that she didn’t speak directly of regret. She simply spoke about a painful time. The Chinese expression for hardship is “eating bitter”. I believe that is what she was trying to express. When I asked Melanie if she wanted to hear it, her first reaction was “no, it will sound like yelling to me”. I played the CD for her, and without even understanding the words, she could hear the gentle sing-song quality of her voice.
4.) The fact that she sent a tape rather than a letter is interesting. My first instinct is to say that she might be illiterate. Our birth sisters would have been able to pen a letter, though. The second thought was that she knew we’d have an easier time listening to the Chinese rather than trying to read the tradition Chinese characters that are used in Taiwan versus the simplified characters of mainland China which Mark and I have studied.
5.) I loved sharing the CD with my husband and my kids. The day it was ready, Mark came home for lunch especially to hear the CD. Not only has he been supportive of my journey, but has played a major role in finding them. When Coleman heard the CD, he kept saying, “I have no clue what she’s saying”. All the girls really understood and contributed to translating. I watched their faces specifically for their reaction to my birth mother offering to pay for our plane tickets, no matter how many relatives came. The girls were as surprised and touched as I was.
6.) Our birth mother looked for us. Everything else disappears when I think that our birth mother looked for us. We were not the product of a dirty little secret nor were we the forgotten throw away babies. Our picture sat on top of their TV. This has shaken the very core of Mel and my beliefs about our birth family.
7.) Even though our birth mother looked for us, I’m glad that we weren’t found as children. It would have conflicted my childhood to know that a birth family missed me. It’s not clear if she just wanted to know that we were okay or if she was hoping to take us home. I also think that I wouldn’t have been ready to find them before this. The order of events has God’s signature written all over it. Being a mother and having a mother’s capacity for love has really been the best preparation for this moment.
8.) I thank God for the life I have and could not imagine it any other way with any other family. I love my family so much.
9.) Melanie and I both have always had a difficulty with pronouns, mixing up “he, she, him, and her”. Once I learned that Chinese doesn’t differentiate between genders in the spoken language (only written), I attributed it to genetics. We have both noticed that we sometimes aren’t sure how to address the birth family. I have a tendency to say my, I mean our birth family, while Melanie refers to them as “the” or your birth family. I don’t mean to exclude Melanie in my language, but I think I have mentally prepared for this for such a long time and it has been a solitary journey. When I speak of them to people who don’t know Melanie (or even that there is a Melanie), I say my. Melanie’s pronoun issue most likely has been her defense mechanism. She hasn’t meant it to be disrespectful, but never felt a connection to them.
10.) Melanie's reaction to our birth family all hinged on the cassette. She needed to know our birth mother’s heart before she opened up hers. I don’t blame her, though. Here she is as neither the person looking for nor the person being found by her birth family. That is a unique and awkward position. However, it’s been rewarding to watch Melanie’s heart for our birth family change. When I first told her I wanted to find our birth family about ten years ago, she was opposed to the idea. She went as far as saying things like, “Marcie, you need to consider how this will affect me!”, and “Are you going to be able to walk away from them if they are needy?” Two days ago, she thanked me. She surprised even herself when she realized this is something she wants, too. We are definitely an “our”, now.
11.) I can’t help but stare at these pictures. Did my birth mother stare at the picture of Melanie and me, like I stare at the picture of them, looking for clues? Did she notice that we have their hands? Did she approve of our healthy hair and coloring? Did she notice the big wad of chewing gum in Melanie’s mouth? I went as far as using googlemaps to confirm that this picture was taken outside our old house in West Lafayette. When I look at their picture, I see a tight-knit group. They look healthy and well-fed. I wonder where my birth father was at the time of the picture. Had he already died, was he working in the fields, or was he not part of the family anymore? Melanie and I were two blind mice before laser surgery. I always imagined that our birth family would need coke bottles, too. Where are their glasses? I look at my oldest sister and see myself in her eyes, smile and hands. My birth mother looks sad. Was this her natural picture face or was it reflecting a lifetime of sadness?
12.) Never in a million years could I accept plane tickets from my birth family, but that it was probably the most powerful part of her letter. For me, it reflects a genuine and strong desire to see us. She speaks of finding us in a way that can only be mutual. I asked the kids’ tutors if they thought it was a gesture or symbol rather than a real offer, but they thought that our birth mother is serious. It’s unclear whether they have the means to pay for plane tickets, if they’d be calling in a lifetime of favors or if they’d go into debt to pay for it. What matters is that they offered. This is the greatest gift I could never accept that has been offered to me in my life.
13.) I am so excited and proud to introduce family to my birth family. It’s remarkable to me that my husband and children will be able to communicate with my birth mother, sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins or whoever else we may meet. We will also be able to act as interpreters for Melanie and her family.
14.) My adoptive mom has been so supportive in this whole process. She booked her frequent flyer ticket as soon as we told her our tentative plans. I had to tell her to hold off, since we still aren’t sure which dates will work the best for our schedules yet. I am happy that she will be there for the reunion. I have now lived more years without my adoptive dad than with him, but I still miss him so much, and am sad that he won't be a part of this, too. I have never felt any connection to my birth father. I’m not sure if I will have the chance to meet any of his relatives while we are in Taiwan, but it would be nice to hear stories of him that don’t put him in a bad light.
* Carolyn was the visiting Chinese teacher that lived with our family during the 2005-1006 school year. She left behind a daughter who is about Saylor’s age. We spent time with them in their hometown of Zunyi in the summer of 2009.